The Peacekeeper Problem
As an adult, I can reflect on childhood and see how, culturally, we were taught to keep the peace; not to ask for what we wanted in case it caused a problem. It was really subtle, too. I wouldn’t have noticed it without coaching and being taught self-reflection.
I came into adulthood thinking it was my fault if someone else got upset when I asked for what I wanted or needed. I unknowingly avoided asking because, deep down, I believed it could lead to upset and that would leave me feeling bad.
Alongside self-reflection, I’ve learnt to notice the impact or consequence of my actions. Every choice has a “good” or “bad” effect on me and those around me.
What I’ve realised is that when I don’t ask, I feel resentful and frustrated, and it impacts the relationship I have with my clients. When something isn’t resolved, it lingers in the background or causes one person to leave.
At the beginning, I hoped and assumed my clients just knew what I needed. I started noticing my thoughts:
“Why is she always late?”
“Why is he messaging me at midnight?”
“Why have they not paid their invoice on time again!?”
Sometimes I wished I lived in a perfect world where everyone thought like me (and just knew what I wanted): when to reply to messages, pay invoices, or turn up.
But we don’t live in that world.
If you don’t tell your clients how to treat you, how will they know?
Why We Keep the Peace
I vividly remember staying home from a party my parents were going to. I was about 14 and just wanted to sit by myself doing some maths. It might sound boring to everyone else, but it’s what I needed at that time.
Then my friends came knocking at the door. I felt embarrassed about what I wanted to do (and I wasn’t a “spur of the moment” kind of person). I told them I didn’t want to come out, but they persisted. I didn’t like confrontation or the idea of them feeling bad, so I stopped doing what I wanted and left with them.
We’re taught from a young age not to cause upset. I can see it so clearly now with the next generation:
“Share with your sister.”
“You’re not allowed to say no.”
“Don’t keep asking for what you want, and definitely don’t cry about it when you don’t get it.”
It’s a grey area because, as children, we do need to be taught things like sharing and cooperation. But somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we’re not taught the next stage… the nuance.
You don’t have to cooperate all the time.
You can say no.
You don’t have to share if you don’t want to.
Instead, we’ve learnt to keep the peace and avoid conflict.
The problem is, that pattern doesn’t disappear when you start a business.
It follows you right into your work.
The Cost of Staying Silent
When I first went into business, I did whatever the client wanted, even if it didn’t work for me. I started as early as I needed to and worked as late as I needed to. I remember days of exhaustion, starting at 6:30 a.m. and finishing at 8 p.m. Gross.
Now, when I set my schedule, I can still hear the old voices saying,
“Well, you could make this work if you just did this.”
Sure, at the expense of myself. Goodbye, old thought patterns.
I remember being really sheepish asking for payment. I used to dread it. I was afraid they’d say, “How much?!” and I’d somehow be responsible for their disgust or frustration.
And when people turned up early, I’d just roll with it… even though it made me anxious and caused sleepless nights because I wasn’t ready.
I suffered the consequence of not speaking up.
I was anxious, resentful, and drained.
I had created a business that looked successful on the outside but didn’t work for me on the inside.
So ask yourself:
- What’s not working for you right now in your business and with your clients?
- Where are you not speaking up?
- What is the impact or consequence of not speaking up?
- How does it affect your sleep, your energy and the things you want to do?
The Shift – Learning to Communicate Clearly
Now it’s different. I value myself; my time, energy, and money.
I still get those same nerves and thoughts, but I can stop, notice and change how I respond.
I’ve learnt how to say no or ask for what I want in a professional way.
I’m not mean or “this is how it’s going to be.”
I’m clear, confident and respectful to myself and my clients.
I’m currently creating a plan for when I move to East Harling and I’ll need to change some client sessions. I’m telling clients what I need and listening to what they need.
I don’t want to “make it work” and then feel resentful when I’m travelling here, there, and everywhere, barely seeing Harry.
Although I have years of training in communication, it’s still hard – the anxiety before the conversation, not knowing how they’ll take it.
But I know now that how they feel is about them, not me.
Here’s why:
Example:
- What happened: Your client didn’t pay their invoice on time, and you asked them to pay it.
- What they made it mean: “I’ve done something wrong. I’m being told off. I’m a bad person.”
- How they feel: Embarrassed.
Their reaction isn’t about what happened, it’s about the meaning they gave it.
I’m no longer willing to suffer the consequence of not asking for what I want or need in business.
I take a step back, think about what I need, then communicate it clearly.
I give the client space to feel how they feel, and know it’s not my fault.
Then we look at how to make it work together.
Communicating clearly is the key to protecting your energy and time, and to building meaningful relationships.
How to Share What You Need
If you want to start asking for what you need without guilt, begin here.
Step 1: Look at what’s not working right now.
It’s normally around things like:
- Lateness
- Cancellations
- Late payments
- Lacking confidence when charging your price
- Giving more than you get paid for
- Working too many hours (or not the hours you want)
Step 2: Acknowledge the following:
- What do you want instead?
- What’s in your thoughts?
- How does it make you feel?
- What are you scared of?
Step 3: Reflect on the impact.
What’s the cost of not communicating what you need?
(Think about your time, energy, confidence, and relationships.)
Step 4: Create what you need to communicate.
Write it out if it helps. Keep it simple, calm, and professional.
Example:
What’s not working: My clients don’t pay on time.
What I want: All clients to pay on time.
My thoughts: “Why can’t you just pay on time?”
My feelings: Annoyed and frustrated.
My fear: Clients will leave if I enforce payment terms.
The cost: Time and energy chasing payments. It impacts relationships and creates resentment.
The new approach:
Send invoices a week in advance and tell clients when you do.
Be clear that the invoice must be paid before the session begins.
You could say:
“Hey [name], just a quick note — I’ve sent your invoice for our next session. Please make sure payment is made before we meet. Looking forward to seeing you on Thursday!”
You can be kind and clear.
The Outcome – Respect Flows Both Ways
When you start to communicate what you need, something shifts.
You stop building resentment and start building trust.
Your clients know where they stand, and you feel more grounded in your boundaries.
I always liken it to children: they feel safer when there are rules and you enforce them.
Your clients are the same. They feel safe because they know where they stand.
You’ll notice they start being clearer with you too; paying on time, turning up on time, respecting your process, because they know that’s what you expect.
This builds stronger relationships. They trust that if something comes up, you’ll address it — not avoid it.
It’s vital for your relationships and your business to ask for what you need.
Reflection
Take a moment to reflect:
- Where are you holding back from asking for what you need?
- What’s one conversation that would make your business (and your life) easier if you had it this week?
Because when you stop keeping the peace and start communicating clearly… everyone wins.
Other Ways I Can Help You
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Need some help with a specific situation? Book a 1-2-1 call and we can walk through it together. Sometimes having the words, and the confidence, makes all the difference.
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